Courtney Roome
Narrative Essay
Education is Prevention
Did you know that about 8 million Americans today have an eating disorder? Living a healthy lifestyle is a big issue our society faces today. Many Americans are not getting the proper education to be knowledgeable about the many diseases, and illnesses out there, as well as preventative techniques to avoid them. Eating disorders are an example of one very serious condition that must be helped and treated otherwise death could result. Eating disorders -- such as anorexia, bulimia, and binge eating disorder -- include extreme emotions, attitudes, and behaviors surrounding weight and food issues. Eating disorders are serious emotional and physical problems that can have life-threatening consequences for females and males (NEDA, 2005).
I am bringing up this issue of eating disorders to raise awareness to the public of and advocating for more effective health promotion and preventative care education in young children. We need more health promotion and exercise activism in kids at a younger age to eventually stop their unhealthy habits, lifestyles, and thoughts! 42% of 1st-3rd grade girls want to be thinner (NEDA, 2005). We need to work on raising children with proper education and care to live a healthy life mentally and physically. 95% of those who have eating disorders are between the ages of 12 and 25 (ANAD, 2011). I personally did know many young teenagers that had an eating disorder, my sister included.
When I was younger, about 10, I noticed my family start to have more problems and fight on a regular basis. I noticed frequent mood swings with my sister, Ashley, and bickering of my parents, and even more so when it involved food. That spring, I went on a vacation with my family to Florida where I first began to understand the rise of our family problems.
It all happened after the flush of a toilet. My parent’s were banging on the bathroom door, yelling for Ashley to come out. My dad escorted me down the hall into the kitchen, a little further away from the bathroom so he could talk to me in private.
“Ashley is sick,” he told me. I remember thinking, “Sick? How? What kind of sickness?”
My dad described to me that my sister had an illness of her body and mind, and that it is something very complicated and sometimes hard for others to understand. At my young age, I did already know the basics about eating disorders, however not enough to have a full understanding of how and why it grew on my sister. My dad told me not to worry and that everything was going to be okay. But was it? My vacation and life had changed drastically.
Growing up in our childhood and adolescent years, Ashley and I had many ups and downs, however we always had each other’s backs no matter what. It took Ashley a while to reach out to me and really speak to me about what is going on in her life and body. It hurt my family and I to see what she was going through and not be able to help her or understand why. Ashley struggled a lot with her illness; she was also suffering from depression, and anxiety. Almost 50% of people with eating disorders meet the criteria for depression (ANAD, 2011). Not only was my sister depressed; she was angry. Ashley had trouble explaining her emotions so most of the time she would have outbursts, almost tantrums at times that consisted of slamming doors, screaming, cursing, and potentially physical violence. At times I was scared of her, not sure how to approach her or even talk to her- and this continued for me until I researched more about the disorder and the contributing factors and understood more about what she was going through.
Ashley left home for a while too to seek treatment; sometimes weeks and sometimes months at rehabilitation centers, hospitals, and other care units. We lost a lot of money going through all the expenses trying to make sure my sister was mentally stable and had a clear head on her shoulders. It was actually ridiculous the amount of money we spent, as well as the amount of money that our insurance company would not cover, especially in dire time. The estimated treatment of an eating disorder in the US ranges from $500 per day to $2,000 per day. The average cost for a month of inpatient treatment is $30,000 (Mirasol, 2010).
It took Ashley over 8 years to get through some successful treatment and therapies. To this day, she is still having inner struggles that only she knows how to handle. Her illness and instability took a huge part out our family throughout the years. We went through MANY rough times and difficulties that we are still working through. Eating disorders are serious illnesses that can hurt not only the individual but families as well. There are many good therapeutic treatments out there for people living with eating disorders however it takes many years till full recovery, if that. There should also be more preventative education on eating disorders for young girls and boys to make sure they are aware of the severity of the disorders and how it affects you and your loved ones.
References:
ANAD. "General Information." National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders. ANAD, 2011. Web. 19 Apr. 2011. <http://www.anad.org/get-information/about-eating-disorders/ general-information/>. ANAD. "Eating Disorder Statistics ." National Association Of Anorexia Nervosa And Associated Disorders. N.p., 2011. Web. 23 Apr. 2011. <http://www.anad.org/get-information/about-eating-disorders/eating-disorders-statistics/>.Mirasol. "Eating Disorder Recovery Centers." Mirasol. N.p., 2010. Web. 18 Apr. 2011.
<http://www.mirasol.net/eating-disorders/information.php>.
NEDA. National Eating Disorders Association. N.p., 2011. Web. 19 Apr. 2011. <http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/information-resources/ general-information.php#terms-definitions>. NEDA. " Dieting and The Drive for Thinnes." National Eating Disorders Association . N.p., 2005. Web. 23 Apr. 2011. <http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/uploads/file/Statistics%20%20Updated%20Feb%2010,%202008%20B.pdf>. NEDA. "What is an Eating Disorder?" National Eating Disorders Association. National Eating Disorders Association , 2005. Web. 24 Apr. 2011. <http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/nedaDir/files/documents/handouts/WhatIsEd.pdf>. 
Courtney,
ReplyDeleteThe story you have chosen is very personal, emotional, and could serve as a very nice frame for your argument. Unfortunately, the only two places I got hints of your argument were the title and your last sentence. It seems that you spend a majority of the paper pointing out the fact that eating disorders exist and are emotional charging, but not supporting your argument.
I think your introduction could really use some action. I would like to see you get right into the action. In paragraph 4, you wrote, "It all happened after the flush of a toilet." I think that would be a brilliantly captivating way to start the paper. Consider using that or something else before providing us with the global background on eating disorders.
You could also benefit from pointing out (or at least hinting towards) your argument toward the beginning. That way, we know what you are arguing and you know how you can argue it. The sources do a good job of pointing out the prevalence of eating disorders, but do nothing to support your argument about education. I'm sure there is content in the sources that you can rearrange to make relevant to your main idea.
I was also thinking at one point, 'how could you use your family as a source?' Is there any specific information you could get by asking your family, such as costs of therapy and how much was actually covered by insurance?
Are there authors to the NEDA and ANAD articles? It would help to clarify when you're talking about specific articles in the paper. It was a little confusing since you have two ANAD articles and three NEDA articles you cite.
--Matthew Fisher
Courtney,
ReplyDeleteThis is a really good first draft. I thought the topic of eating disorders and the fact that you want to raise awareness of this important issue was a really good idea. You used credible sources in the essay, which made you more credible to the audience and you used statistics that gave it representativeness. The details you used to describe how you found out about your sister's eating disorder and the rest of your narrative was concise yet allowed me to picture what was going on and follow you through your story, which I liked as well.
A couple of things I would look over would be how you started your essay. Although the beginning paragraph did get my attention, I don't know if it would have the same effect on other parts the the audience. The first two paragraphs are more about the background, which you could put them after the paragraph of your story. Also, you don't introduce any of your sources and I think that if you did then the audience would give you more credibility while reading the essay instead of having to look at the works cited. Finally, even though you have many statistics, I think your argument could benefit from finding articles about people who have also gone through eating disorders and how they over came them. With these few suggestions I think that this will become a powerful narrative argument.
Hope this helps!
Rachel
Courtney,
ReplyDeleteI think you have a great first draft here. I thought this was a great choice of topic because it's something of great importance to you. Your narrative was great, but I would have like to see a bit more sensory detail to really get a vivid picture of what was going on.
I liked how you used a lot of numerical data because it really added to your credibility. Don't forget, though, to introduce your sources so we know where they're coming from and what they are exactly. And maybe, like Rachel said, try to find a source or two from people who have suffered from eating disorders.
Other than that there were a few grammatical and punctuational errors here and there that can easily be fixed if you just run through the essay once or twice.
Great first draft. Good luck on the next one!
Justine
Courtney,
ReplyDeleteI thought you did a great job with this essay and all of the detail in your essay. I like how you started by telling us what you are going to talk about and gave us information on eating disorders before you actually gave us the story on what happened and why you chose to write about this issue.
It was beneficial to have you give us sources that had stats in them so the audience actually knows how bad an eating disorder can be. But maybe introduce the sources to us a little bit more just to inform the audience that you have a credible source. Maybe one thing to use in your next essay is some kind of interview with Ashley or someone else who has had an eating disorder.
Overall great job on the essay. Number two should be great.
Colby
Courtney,
ReplyDeleteSolid foundation for your essay! I applaud your ability to pick such a personal and emotional topic and discuss it in this format. Your use of narrative elements and descriptive language really draw me in and make me care about your sister and your family's situation.
Something I noticed about your paper is the incorporation of words such as "might" "can" or "could" when you describe the effects of eating disorders. Be careful! These small operative words can change the way your audience reads the paper. They diminish credibility and make your argument less imperitive. Eating diorders are severe! Don't be afraid to scare us a little and show us how severe they are. Yes, they "could" result in death, but telling us that people definitely die from these disorders really hammers in the point.
You found great sources that have endless information on the topic. be sure to introduce these sources (ANAD and NEDA) and transition into them within your paragraphs.
I'd also like to suggest that you begin with part of your story, and not with facts. Toward the middle of your essay you get very personal, and it will only increase pathos if we are drawn into your story from the beginning.
Along the lines of sources, your sources really show the prevalence of eating disorders, but they don't support your argument about increasing education. Several times in the paper you say that we need more education, but there are no suggestions about how to go about increasing education. Should we make changes to the current system, or plan committees ans outreach centers? You went through this experience first hand, so you must have ideas about what works best.
I'm sorry I wrote so much. There really isn't a lot wrong with your essay. I just feel that you have such a strong topic and I believe that you can have a KILLER essay once you make revisions. This is the perfect topic for a narrative argument and you can infuse every paragraph with emotion and personal experience to make your argument even stronger. I recommend the "word vomit" technique. Describe exactly how you felt when you were trying to help your sister through her problems so that we can get a sense of how eating disorders affect botht the person and her family. Then cut it back so that it doesn't sound like a rant.
You've drawn me into Wonderland with your first draft, now pull me in even further. The world of eating disorders is deep, and people really need a closer look.
--Francesca
Courtney
ReplyDeleteYour story is very personal and heartwarming and i fully support you in sharing it with us. I can feel what you went through and your personal voice is very strong. I think the only two sections of your paper that could use some work are your intro and your conclusion. Maybe you could shift the intro paragraph down a few paragraphs and give a more exciting and attention grabbing start. Perhaps you could expand on your conclusion; giving a more specific idea of what your solution would look like. Your sources are great. They are all scholarly sources and work very well for your argument. I think part of the struggle with narratives is finding sources that work not only for the problem you present but also the solution (i.e. more education) which you have done a good job of.
Overall your essay is great. Possibly a little out of order but the content is definitely there. Great job.
ALex DK
Hi Courtney,
ReplyDeleteYou chose a great subject. It's very relatable. I really liked your story. I felt what you were going through. As a way to capture the audience, maybe you could bring that to the beginning. When you start out with facts an essay doesn't really capture you the way a narrative should. I really loved the rest of the essay. I could feel what you were going through, which is an incredibly difficult task to achieve. You never just started rambling off facts. All your sources came in and only added to your story. You may want to focus on introducing the sources a bit more, because they will add credibility to your essay.
The only problem I had with this essay was, where is your argument? I can see that you have kind of chosen to go the route of just bringing attention to this major problem of eating disorders that affects our country in such a major way, but to create a stronger essay I think you should create an argument. The mixture of your story and an argument is what will hit the audience over the head and really make them want to do something about it.
Amazing job!
Anna
Hey Courtney,
ReplyDeleteI think your topic is one that should have a lot of attention on. I liked your introduction but the last three sentences you begin every sentence with the words “eating disorder” maybe I would put a bit more variation into it. I think your personal story is very relatable and I empathize with you. That being said, I think maybe you should start with your personal story. You begin with a lot of statistics and information and that’s great but I think your story would capture your audience’s attention more.
Also I think maybe you could digress on more ways to raise awareness on eating disorders. Clearly you have a strong stance on your topic and I felt empathic to your case but if you can embellish on more ways to prevent eating disorders it would strengthen your argument. Overall I think this is a strong rough draft so good job!
Hey Courtney!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading this essay. It's really personal, really engaging and I'm glad you brought up such an important topic.
I love the structure of your essay--how the story progresses as well as your point does.
I think a way to make it even stronger would be to start off with a sensory scene to grab your reader's attention from the start.
I also love that the point of your essay is to get the word out about eating disorders and your story helps evoke a lot of emotion there, but if you added maybe a few sentences towards the end that really drive home your point, it would make your point that much stronger. Right now you have a narrative essay with great sources and facts, but maybe if you suggest a path to take, or even if it's just to raise awareness, let us know that in a brief sentence. Or even say that this essay is aimed towards the parents of children that show signs of eating disorders....etc (just an example of an audience)
Great first (second) draft haha..
:)
Julia
Courtney,
ReplyDeleteYour story was extremely emotional and it really hit home with me, I've never had an eating disorder but i know how awful spending time and excessive money in therapy is and i really connected with this paper.
I liked the way you opened the paper with some factual information and then began to delve into the background behind the story while still populating it with facts. It was an extremely well done paper and I look forward to the final draft.
Courtney,
ReplyDeleteI think that you picked an extremely important topic and you wrote about it with care. I liked how you started your paper off with facts and then got into the personal story aspect of it. It is a different set up than I think a lot of us did, but it works really well for your paper.
I do think that you need to expand on the argument of your paper. The second paragraph starts an argument, but you don't really finish it and make it as strong as it could be. Maybe add another paragraph near the end?
My other comments have already been mentioned, but awesome first draft!
Jennifer
Courtney,
ReplyDeleteI must say that I really did enjoy reading your revision of your first draft. Originally, I had read the earlier draft you had written and was left with many unanswered questions. After reading this draft though, I can see that you have noticed some of the same issues that I have and improved on your essay quite well.
While reading the story about your sister in the first draft, I found myself constantly wondering what could have triggered your sister to having this eating disorder. I'm really glad to see that you incorporated in this revision how your sister was depressed/angry and followed it up with a statistic. Including details of your sister's behavior really caught my attention because it made the situation seem more realistic as well (also what you were lacking in your first draft).
Reading how your sister became violent at times and your reaction to it was a really good attention grabber. Being such a young age and knowing someone so close to you is going throw much pain can make you feel helpless and your honesty really helps the reader notice that.
The only issues I had with your essay was the structure of it. It's just that you start off so strong with your statistics in your first paragraph and not enough action. You might want to consider introducing your story first and then start off your second paragraph with the facts.
Also, while we're on the topic of statistics, you have chosen such GREAT sources but never really introduce any of them. Try giving background information on them to create some credibility.
Overall, I believe this is a wonderful 2nd first draft. I believe you definitely have the potential to go far with essay, especially since the topic is so personal. Keep up with the good work and best of luck with your final draft!
Courtney,
ReplyDeleteYou start off with strong facts pertaining to your topic; I feel that it challenges us as readers to face the reality of eating disorders in America-something that is often times kept under wraps and may occur in the most normal-seeming people. However, please, do not lead in with a question. When I read it, I feel that I am being talked down to a bit, and it is almost taboo to address your reader in the second person. On that note, saying "I" and "we" falls under the same category, so just try to avoid that at all costs.
This story, though, is very personal, and it does lend some insight into the circumstances surrounding eating disorders. It portrays it in such a light that it is not something necessarily done out of pure vanity, but maybe there are some emotional causes behind the disorder as well.
You might not want to say that it was ridiculous how much money you spent on her treatment, because it is semi-isolating to the victims of such disorders. It is okay to mention how much of a burden or financial toll it was had on your family, but if you are arguing that these people should be treated and not simply laughed at, then there should be a little more sympathy.
You do achieve this sympathy in the last paragraph, when you talk about her inner struggles, and it is probably better to highlight the personal struggle people with eating disorders go through. That would shed a more humanistic light on them and hopefully draw more support for the victims.
I like it, though-and because it happened to such a close relative of yours, this has incredible potential. Keep it up!